As a parent, there will be times when you need to correct your child or give them feedback. If your child pushes back every time you do, you may start to feel like you’re not doing your best as a parent. Often, how well your child listens to you depends on how connected they feel to you overall. You can start building that connection by setting aside dedicated bonding time for just the two of you. Many parent training programs call this special time with your child. It takes only a few minutes, and it may make the rest of your parenting, including your feedback, easier for your child to hear.
The relationship piggy bank
One way to picture your connection with your child is a piggy bank. Every time you correct your child or snap at them, you take a little out. Every warm, positive moment puts a little back in.
If the bank is close to empty, even a small correction may feel to your child like one more criticism piled on top of many others. They may get upset, argue back or shut down. If the bank is full, your child may take the same correction in stride, because they already feel secure with you and can hear it as a small piece of feedback.
Kids who hear a lot of correction, including many kids with ADHD or behavior concerns, may have piggy banks that run low quickly. Having special time for just the two of you may be one useful way to connect and fill the piggy bank back up.
How to set up special time that works
Special time is one-on-one time with your child doing something they enjoy, like building with blocks or playing a favorite board game. The goal is connection and fun. For these few minutes, you set aside teaching and correcting and follow your child’s lead instead.
Letting your child lead is what makes this time different. Much of your child’s day is directed by adults, who tell them what to do and when to do it. Special time flips that. Your child gets your full attention without having to earn it, and they get to be in charge of the play. Many parent training programs build on this idea, including Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), where parents practice a few minutes of special time at home each day.
Special time doesn’t have to take long. You can start with as little as five minutes a day, or 20 minutes a couple of times a week. Consistency matters more than length, because a short session your child can count on may do more than a long outing that happens once a month. It may help to pick a regular time, like right after school or before bed, so your child knows when to expect it. When the time is almost up, a quick heads-up, like “Two more minutes,” may help your child wrap up without feeling cut off.
What to do during special time
A few habits may help this time feel different from the rest of your child’s day.
- Let your child pick the activity when you can.
- Put your phone away.
- Follow your child’s lead instead of directing the play.
- Describe what your child is doing, like “You’re building the tower even taller,” which shows you’re paying attention without taking over.
Try to refrain from correcting your child during this time, so hold off on saying “stop” or “don’t” unless someone could get hurt. If your child hears those words a lot during the day, special time may be the one part of the day when they don’t hear them.
Special time works best as part of a bigger effort to keep the piggy bank full. Outside of these sessions, you can add to it by listening closely when your child talks and by aiming for more positive moments with your child than negative ones. Positive attention may also change how your child behaves. Kids want their parents’ attention, and when they get plenty of it for good moments, they may feel less need to get it through misbehavior. Over time, a fuller bank may make your child more willing to listen when you do need to correct them.
When special time is hard to keep up
It may be hard to be consistent with special time when you’re having a stressful week, or when your child’s ADHD or behavior concerns leave you feeling drained. Parent training gives you a structured way to practice skills like special time with a clinician’s support and adjust them to your child. If your child’s needs are complex, a neuropsychological evaluation, which looks at areas like attention and behavior, may clarify what’s behind your child’s struggles, so the plan fits your child.
Common questions about special time
Q: What if I have more than one child?
A: Try to give each child their own special time, even if it’s short. When siblings share the time, they may compete for your attention, and a quieter or younger child may end up following the other’s lead. Time alone with you lets each child feel seen for who they are.
Q: Does screen time count?
A: Screen time may count if you’re doing it together, like playing a video game side by side and talking about it as you play. The goal is shared attention, so sitting in the same room on separate screens usually doesn’t count, because you’re each focused on something different.
Q: What if my child isn’t interested in special time?
A: Most young kids love having a parent’s full attention. Older kids may be harder to win over, especially if one-on-one time with a parent has often turned into a talk about their behavior. You can keep it low-pressure by offering to join them in something they already love, like a favorite game, instead of asking them to try an activity you picked. Once your child sees that this time is about having fun together, they may start looking forward to it.
If you’d like additional support in setting up special time or understanding your child’s behavior, our team can help. Manhattan Psychology Group offers parent training and child and teen therapy in New York City. Call us to talk through what your family needs.
