By Joshua Rosenthal, PsyD
When you and your partner want different things, you can end up in a standoff where one of you wins and the other gives in, and the one who gives in may feel resentful afterward. Say you want to enjoy half an hour on the couch with a show but your partner wants to talk about his day. In a situation like this, it can seem like one of you has to give up what you want. But every disagreement involves three sets of needs, and you can learn how to compromise in a relationship by looking at all three. They are yours, your partner's and the needs you have as a couple, and when you plan around all three, you may find a compromise that works for both of you.
The three circles of needs in a relationship
One way to picture a relationship is as three overlapping circles. The first circle holds your needs, the second holds your partner's needs and the third holds your needs as a couple.
When couples argue, you may only be looking at the first two circles, your needs and your partner’s needs separately. You tell yourself that your need to unwind and your partner's need to talk are in direct competition, so someone has to give something up.
When you add the third circle, you may start to see the evening differently. In the couch-and-conversation example, the couple circle might consist of time to talk together, time to feel connected and a need for intimacy, both emotional and physical. Once you talk about those shared needs, you can look for a plan that works for you, your partner and the two of you together, instead of arguing over whose need wins tonight. You'll usually find your best compromise in the center, where the three circles overlap.
Take your partner's needs seriously first
The three circles logic only works well if you treat your partner's circle as important as yours, so before you look for overlap, ask yourself these two things.
- Can you validate your partner's needs and feelings, even if you don't share them? Validation means acknowledging that what they need makes sense for them.
- Can you empathize with what they need and how they're feeling right now?
If the honest answer is no, you may spend the conversation defending your own circle. If the answer is yes, you can move on to find the overlap together.
Five steps to find where your needs overlap
You can work through the three circles in one short conversation with your partner. Here is a simple order to follow.
- Say what you need in plain terms. "I need about 30 minutes to decompress when I get home." Keep the focus on what you need, instead of on what your partner is doing wrong.
- Ask for theirs. "What do you need when your workday is done?" Listen for the need underneath the request. Your partner may decompress by talking through the day, too.
- Say what you need as a couple out loud. "We both need time to connect, and we haven't had much of it lately." When you say it together, you remind each other that you're on the same side.
- Look for a plan that touches all three. For example, you get your show first, then the two of you sit down for twenty minutes so your partner can talk through the day.
- Check that you both get something. Neither of you gets exactly what you walked in wanting, but each of you should leave with a little of what you wanted.
With a plan like this, you and your partner both make time for the needs of your relationship.
Put your couple's needs before extended family
You can use the same exercise for bigger decisions, including how you spend the holidays. You may want a certain amount of time with your family, your partner may want time with theirs, and as a couple you may also need time together that doesn't involve either family. When you balance those three needs, you can have a more practical and balanced conversation between you and your partner.
Your extended family's needs don't get a circle of their own. You put your couple's three circles first, before other people's wishes come into the plan, and that may feel uncomfortable if your family has strong traditions or expectations. You can agree with your partner first, then bring the plan to everyone else, instead of letting outside pressure decide which of you gives something up.
Common questions about compromise in relationships
Q: What if our needs truly don't overlap?
A: Look again at the couple circle. Two people who need very different things in the evening may still share a need for connection, rest, or intimacy. Start there and build outward. If you still can't find any overlap, that may be a sign to bring in a couples therapist who can help you see options you're missing.
Q: Doesn't compromise mean someone always gives something up?
A: Usually both of you give up a little, and each of you also gets some of what you came for while you meet the couple's shared needs along the way. If one of you always does the giving, resentment may build over time.
Q: When is a good time to have this conversation?
A: Pick a time when you're both calm and thinking clearly, so you can hear each other and ask good questions. You'll usually do better to avoid late at night, unless one of you works nights and that's the only time you have.
If the same conflict keeps coming back and neither of you can see a way through it, a therapist can give you a structured place to work on it. Manhattan Psychology Group offers couples therapy and marriage counseling along with individual therapy for adults. Contact us to set up a consultation and map out next steps.
If you or someone you care about is in crisis, please call or text 988 or visit your nearest emergency room.
